Friday, November 06, 2009

Bonneville and the Timelords

While everybody was on hiatus buying black market tickets and quoting Roosevelt I bought this motorcycle. A 790cc 2001 Triumph Bonneville. My dream bike.

While the satisfaction of spending the last of my savings on a beautiful, powerful, chrome-bedecked monster of a motorbike (with an exhaust that sounds like the murmuring of choirs of angelic cherubs being run over by the 8:27 to Cranbourne) instead of squandering it on stuff like food and rent leaves me giddy with joy, the rent does actually need to be paid.

Therefore we need to release a worldwide hit single that will pay back at least the cost of the Bonnie.

But how is that done? How does one release a single that will sell a billion copies and make a fortune? I didn't have a clue so I turned to British electronica duo KLF for the answer. In their manual The Manual published in 1988 they tell me the golden rules of writing a hit single:

  • It must have a dance groove
  • It must be around 3'20" in length
  • It must consist of an intro, a verse, a chorus, second verse, second chorus, a breakdown section, a double-length chorus, and outro
  • The breakdown section must not be a guitar solo
  • It must have lyrics. They must deal with only the most basic of human emotions. These emotions must not be negative ones. Essentially they must be about how I'm never gonna give you up, or that that's the way I like it.

Simple really. Fortune assured.


Blogger silky-D said...

you should most definitely write a song about your new bike and how it makes you feel.

6/11/09 20:51  
Blogger Unrelenting Tedium said...

I am not sure about this no guitar solos business. Please see Kirk Hammett's response to such a suggestion in some kind of monster.

A truly wonderful machine.

Please please write a song called Triumph Bonneville 2001...if you fail I am sooo going to do it.

6/11/09 21:13  
Blogger Paddy said...

Has Kirk Hammett played one of his superb soloes on any songs that became worldwide smash hits? Probably. KLF were clearly talking crap then.

Silky-D, I owe you a hundred apologies for pushing your splendid post below the fold only hours after you wrote it.

If for some reason you happen to be an idle browser stumbling across these comments and haven't read the preceding post I urge you to rectify that immediately.

6/11/09 22:15  

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