Monday, October 30, 2006

Beds are Burning

As R.Kelly will tell you, it's hot and fresh out the kitchen. The beds are made and it's time for Norman and me to lie in them. I spoke to Paddy after the second session and he reckoned he had laid down some of the hottest, smokin'est licks and lines of his career. Hands bruised, bloodied and puffy from a monster day in the in and out field for the Preshil Cricket Club had me worried but some local kinky ale from the fine 3 Ravens brewery of Theobold st soothed his hands and steeled his nerve. It was insane! Then I, with local furry squid in toe, watched on as he compressed and effected the drums and bass, and before my and Nelly's ears the songs erupted with hot rock! Next cab of the rank is Silky-D.


Blogger silky-D said...

This is heartening news indeed, though I never suspected for a moment that Paddy would let us down. I am a little concerned about the precedents being set by crafty and paddy. Are puffed and bloodied hands compulsory for a squid ink recording session? Do I need to get the cheese grater out tonight?

30/10/06 13:19  
Blogger Paddy said...

Not at all. I promise you playing bass, at least, is a lot easier when not straight off the field after 80 overs at short cover.

Here's a tip to everybody out there who may be planning to lay some hot shit down for posterity. Keep your bass in tune. Tuning. It's all about the tuning. Don't concentrate on the kick drum, don't concentrate on accents, don't concentrate on hitting the changes. Concentrate on tuning and all will be fine.

30/10/06 13:39  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

my mutha said you guys suck and that the wu tang clan could probably beat you in a mud wrestle. I said you rocked and that wu tang were too busy sucking dick and burning money.

I'm confused. Is it possible that we could both be right?

Please advise.

15/11/06 23:44  
Blogger Paddy said...

Whether we suck or rock is up to posterity to judge and either way I trust we can count on people to let us know, but the likely result of a mud wrestle between us and the Wu Tang Clan is a question already answered.

A couple of months ago we accepted a challenge from RZA who was in town touring his new album. He'd heard about the Guitar Gulag and was ready to get some retribution on Tommy Iommi's behalf. So the four of us visited him at his hotel where he'd set up a wrestling ring in the foyer of the Victoria.

Old Rizza mumbles a lot and I found his accent a little difficult to understand but I think he yelled “Protect ya neck. Feel the pain. My beatdowns travel like a vortex, through your spine to the top of your cerebrum cortex” or something. Silky-D, being the wordsmith, opened with a grab for RZA's shirt and had him face down in the mud before RZA swept Dan's leg and got his knee on his back crying “I'm back in the game”.

Silky was able to tag Doug who was able to use his well-known Double Townshend move on the seminal rap artist which left him dazed and mumbling that he was seeing “visionz” which meant nothing to me. While I was reaching for my dictionary, Berretta 9 grabbed my head and knocked it against the ringpost.

Meanwhile Doug had slipped on the unreliable surface giving RZA the opportunity he needed. “Wu Tang Forever” he yelled, “Severe punishment. I'm going to chop off your arm, so are you ready?” and dealt a decisive blow with an elbow.

At this point Crafty leapt into the ring grabbing the master around the ankle having him down in the mud immediately. RZA pulled his Little Ghetto Boy move getting Dave in a sophisticated judo hold involving some kind grip on the arm and a foot in the face. With a yell and a motion too fast to see he'd torn Dave's left leg from his body

Of course that was the end of it. Having proven that the wily old man was too much for us he whooped “Triumph! Y'all be warned, bring da ruckus” and we slunk away defeated.

But we appreciate you taking our side against your mutha.

16/11/06 11:27  
Blogger silky-D said...

Young man, you have missed your calling as a sportswriter. I see now that the group wordsmith crown is very much in dispute and may need to be rotated on a bi-weekly basis. Doug might also want a share, given that he appears to have written the words to all of the band's songs while I have been hard at work on my trilogy of era-defining novels. My only real question: where was the mud?
I also strongly feel that the anonymous' mutha seems a fair bit less ladylike than my own and seems to know a lot about sucking dick.
Anonymous, I pity you but warmly reciprocate your interest in the band. Squid Ink buttons will hopefully be available soon from the merchandise section of our site.
As for the Wu. I will only speak kindly of the dead. I especially like the intro to 'Maria,' one of my favourite sex jams, in which ODB movingly pays tribute: 'This song is dedicated to alllllll you bitches.'
I have long thought that this would make a good intro for us to riff on, maybe leading into Tracey Said, next time we rock the Empress of India.

16/11/06 11:49  

Post a Comment

<< Home